Back When I Thought I was Crazy

I found my way to peace and happiness

All is well in the Queendom. I sit here in my warm house wallowing in my comfort zone. Legs, crossed at the ankles, are stretched out on the sofa.

My only focus at the moment is on sipping creamy, hot coffee and nibbling homemade chocolate, peanut butter candy. There is money in the bank and a chicken in the pot. Boundaries are intact. I have a painting studio in town in a building with other artists. I have great quality friends to discuss life with.

I like my body.

I haven’t had a panic attack in years. I am at peace. This day has been a long time coming.

Back when I thought I was crazy, I had no idea what being at peace felt like. I didn’t even know there was such a thing. I was desperate for some peace of mind. I was intent on trying to outrun myself and my wrongness.

I knew just as sure as Tif Garcia had chopped Jerry Garcia’s middle finger off with an axe that everything I did was wrong. To the core of my being I was wrong.

I was thrashing around trying to find some relief from the constant anxiety. I bounced checks, I lied to cover my tracks, I got offended over nothing, I had sex with unworthies, I let people take advantage of me, and I could be talked into doing stupid, harmful things.

I let people down, I know. I hurt myself and other people.

Early in life I learned not to speak and not to speak up for fear of getting slapped on the back of the head. My words were clipped off one by one until there were none left. I hid in the background not wanting to call attention to my worthless self. I didn’t talk.

In the basement, Dad was trying to fix the washing machine. He had me and my sister try to hold it up tilted at an angle. We let it fall. It was too heavy for us to hold. The cussing and name calling started.

I got so pissed off that I yelled at him, “What do you expect us to do? We’re children. We can’t hold that heavy thing.” He started after me and I ran out the door. A wrench flew past my head and landed on the ground. I kept running until I got to my Grandmother’s house where I spent the night.

Related posts:

Last week SEC Chairman Jay Clayton made a speech at Princeton and said that utility tokens can be securities, and that eventually these tokens can also be utility tokens. This kind of back and forth…